Example 1

This is an easy that I wrote for a scholarship. It was hard writting this piece because it's from my personal life. Writting this piece was very hard because the memories aren't happy memories. I am very proud of this piece becuase I was able to get many things off my chest.

Being a young Latin-American female is not easy in today's world. Especially when your parents raised you in a ‘traditional Mexican' family and considered physical abuse the way to educate. It is hard to admit that many children are extremely beaten by people they love, their parents. But the reality is that it happens everywhere and everyday Families try to hide it, but regardless of whether or not they are able to hide it, questions about the child's well-being remain. Will their future be affected by the trauma imposed by family problems? Will they be successful? Having a similar history will allow me to answer those questions.

When I was nine months old, my father took me to Mexico to be raised by my grandmother. Living with my grandmother was difficult because the only time that I saw my father was during the summer. Even though living in Mexico gave me wonderful memories and the best first five years of life anyone could have ever hoped for, it was hard to know that I had a family who I could not remember. My aunt tried her best to make me feel at home, but my cousins made it difficult for me to feel like I belonged. I longed for the family that was mine, that I knew loved me and wanted me.

At seven years old, my father brought me to United States to live with my family. I was the happiest child in the world. Little did I know that my life would never be the same. When I arrived, the butterflies in my stomach urged me to wake my family, but my father put me to sleep before I had the chance. The first couple of months I felt like I was at home. I was where I belonged with my family who loved me. I have to admit, I felt a bit weird because I had no previous memories of my mother or siblings.

All my illusions and hopes for a family were quickly shattered by the way I was treated by my parents. I never understood why my mother had rejected me as a child and a young adult. When I tried to get close to her, to have a “mother-daughter” relationship, I was always pushed away. Once again I turned out to be the outcast of the family. I looked and acted nothing like my siblings. When I did something that my mother or father did not like, instead of punishing me they would beat me with whatever was closest to them.

This continued until my first year in high school. I wanted to be a ‘regular kid'. I began to pluck my eyebrows, use makeup, and dress like a young teenage girl. This led to the worst beatings. By this time, I was used to coming home and getting yelled at by my mom, then doing my chores, and getting beaten by my father. To this day, I have not forgotten how I never wanted to go home, even though I knew that whenever I got home late I was going to get beaten. Despite the consequences, I always stayed out as much as I could.

On October 31, 2003 my friends and I went out. Amazingly, I had gotten permission from my father. But because we stopped to go to the restroom I came, which made my dad was furious. I tried to explain, but he did not listen. He grabbed a strong thick rope and started hitting me. Every time the rope touched my skin I felt flesh ripping. At one point I thought I was bleeding. My mother did nothing to help me. She simply took my brother and sisters into her room and locked them inside. It got to the point where I could not get up because of the pain. I do not know where I got the strength, but I unlocked my arm from my fathers grip and ran out the front door crying. I ran as far as I could but my father was able to catch up to me and dragged me back in the house. Grabbing the belt once again, he swung the rope at my hurting body. When he finished I was sent to sleep and warned that if I said anything he was going to beat me again. I was used to crying myself to sleep but because of the bruises, my body hurt every time it touched the blankets.

On Monday, two days after the incident, I went to my high school counselor and explained what had happened. I showed her the purple bruises that were left on my arms and legs. She immediately called Social Services. Social Services took me into custody and put me in a foster home. The bruises left on my body were nothing compared to what was done to my heart. I did not want to see or talk to either of my parents. I wanted nothing to do with them. My father and mother denied everything that happened.

The foster parents that I had were great. They showed me how to be a teenager. My grades were better than ever. My self-esteem was the highest it had ever been. I was assigned a counselor who talked to me and helped me with the process of forgiving my parents. I started visiting with my parents and established a relationship with both of them. My parents divorced and my mom kept the house that they had bought. That summer I realized that everything that had happened to me was not my fault, like I thought it was. It was actually caused by my parent's' bad choices.

When I was little, I always thought that something was wrong with me. That that was the reason my parents did not like me. But, now a young adult I realize that I was just a kid. What I asked for was what any child needed or wanted. Now a senior at New Tech, I have been able to put everything behind me and move on with my life. My parents are always going to be my parents and I am not going to change that. What I can change is my future. I am not going to let my parents choices affect my future. I also know that I can do it as long as I work and study really hard. The best part is that everything that I need, whether it is support, books, help, money, and several other things in one place; school.

Currently, my energy is focused on balancing school and work. I have applied to different universities: CSU Channel Island , CSU Fullerton, CSU Stanislaus, San Francisco State , and Fresno State . So far I have been accepted to Fresno State , but I am still waiting to hear back from the rest. In the meantime, I am doing the best that I can to work and still make school a priority. It is difficult because my parents do not contribute to my financial needs. I buy my own school supplies, personal belongings, pay for my car expenses. When I sit down and think about all the things that I need to get done it overwhelms me, which is why I do not think about it I simply do it. Because of my work ethic, I have been able to be successful balancing the heavy workload given to me at New Tech with my employment.

It all seems like a dream come true. When I was with my parents I never thought that I would make it this far. Having the opportunity to attend a four-year school is the best thing that has happened to me. It is going to take a lot of hard work.

I will be the first of my family to go to a university. It is so exciting to know that my hard work and determination has finally paid off. I will go to college and study Forensic Psychology, which is what has always intrigued me. Forensic Psychology is a hard field to study, but I know that with my energy and my ambition I will succeed. There were many people that doubted me, but there were a lot more that supported me. I know I am not a failure. I am just a young adult wanting to further her education. The past is behind me, where it belongs. I am going to college. I do not need to keep wallowing in the past or dwelling on bad memories. I do not look behind me anymore, at the past; I look forward at the future. The future is what matters.

Example 2

This is later on in the year. It's towards the middle of the second semester. As you can see/read the content is much better then the previous one. It elaborates on the main idea, it doesn't just give a brief description about it. For example on question 4 I specifically said what our group could have worked on, learning more about our main topic.

Graded SCORE TEACHER COMMENTS:

Work Ethic
10 / 10
Curricular Literacy
0 / 0
Written Communication
0 / 0

1. What worked well in this project & what did you enjoy? Why?
Watching the movies. It was fun and it also gave me a brief description of what I had to do without having to read ANYTHING!!! I also like how the teachers waited until the end to show us the Band of Brothers, even though it would have been helpful to have shown it before.

2. What didn't you like about this project (what didn't work)? Why?
I didn't like this project AT ALL because the time was so short. The things that we had to learn was interesting but it wasn't enough time to actually process it in my mind. I also didn't like the fact that one of my group members, Adam, waited until the last minute to give me his power point slides and summary of his topic.

3. What would you change about this project? Why?
What I would change about this project would be not having enough time to prepare and having presentations on Friday and then having the weekend and then present on a short Monday. One major thing that I would have changed about this project would be one of my group members. I think that overall the group was pretty much on task but a lot of things were left for the last minute.

4. How could you (or your group) have improved your work for this project?
My group could have improved by focusing more on the main topic because not a lot was done with it. I also didn't like the fact that I was the only one that worked on the main topic because most of my group members only had a brief idea of what the Navajo Code Talkers were and that put me on the spot. I had to make sure that the main topic was at least proficient because the main topic was the major part of our grade. I think that next time we should improve on that, not leaving the main topic, a major part of our grade, to just one person.

5. What did you take away from this project? (i.e. content knowledge about the 1930's, writing skills, collaborative skills, time management skills, etc.)
I think that what we took away from this project would be time. Like I mentioned earlier we didn't put as much effort into the main topic as we should of. I lf maybe we would have focused a little more on that it would have been a better presentation.

6. Which group had the most persuasive pitch? Why??
My group because I worked on it. (honestly I don't know to me they were all good in their own way.) I really like Julian pitch because it had a group of people to follow it was set up more like a story line. It also included a variety, it was different characters for different scenes. It wasn't boring either it had both action, history, and romance, which I believe will engage all different types of ages.

7. To what degree did the reading of Desert Exile help enhance your understanding of the Japanese Internment? Explain.
It was a more helpful insight of what the Japanese had to go throw but it wasn't enough time to actually enjoy the novel because we had to read in a short period of time. I really like this book because it showed a major event with specific detail. I didn't know about the Japanese Internment camps and Dessert Exile showed me how the people were treated and how not all Japanese were responsible for Pearl Harbor, like their mostly portrait, but that most Japanese living in America were victims.

8. Any other additional comments/suggestions?
Next time we need more time especially when American studies isn't the only class we have to do work for. (no offense). PLEASE don't put in a group with Adam again because this is the second time I'm in a group with him and its also the second time that he leaves everything for the very last minute.